Spiritual Diagnosis

After my morning prayers, I opened my scriptures hoping to know what God wanted me to focus on this year spiritually.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I have had some humbling experiences seeing my weaknesses and feeling the Lord wanting me to improve.  But, where do I begin?

Thankfully the answer came to me today.  The Book of Mormon is true and truly has the guidance and answers we need for every struggle and situation.  I have read it many times, yet here was a passage I had never considered in this context.


Ammon and a group of 15 other men were commissioned by King Mosiah to leave Zarahemla to see if men (Zeniff and his followers) that had left years and years before were still alive, or what became of them.  Zeniff was a Nephite and he had a strong desire to go back to the land of their inheritance.  He believed that he could work with the Lamanites to get some of their land back and live peacefully.  He is described as an over-zealous man, and although his desire was not unrighteous, he ended up making a treaty with the king of the Lamanites which resulted in them becoming slaves.  The Lamanites had no intentions of kindly giving them land- they tricked him into a treaty and when Ammon arrives, he finds the posterity of Zeniff under great bondage.  King Limhi is the king over this group of people.

When Ammom reveals that he is a descendant of Zarahemla searching for them, King Limhi sees that this is their opportunity to be freed from the Lamanites.  He gathers his people at the temple.

And here is where my study became personal revelation:

Mosiah 7:20- It is our own iniquities that bind us and enslave us to unhappiness.  In other words, we limit ourselves.  God wants to share all He has with us.

How do I open up to what God wants to share with me?  Like Zeniff, we may get over-zealous- even about good things!- that may subject us to bondage.

I took a moment to consider my own over-zealous tendencies.  It did not take long for the spirit to point them out.  And it nailed me.

1. I try to be everything to everyone, including God.
2. I hold others to high and unrealistic standards and expectations.
3. I tend to hyper focus on the "ideal" and feel angry and hurt about reality.  (This includes towards myself as well.)

As a result of this iniquity, the bondage I find myself in (as it corresponds above):

1. Anxiety/guilt/feelings of failure when I fall short of being everything to everyone.
2.  Limit my ability to love and be loved unconditionally.
3.  Cycle of disappointment and unhappiness.

Mosiah 7:23 he asks:

"Is not this grievous to be borne?"- Yes it is!
"Is not this affliction great?" - Yes, I want to be free of it!

So how do I become free?  I know that the right sunday school answer to this is through the Atonement, which is the right answer.  But how?  What do I DO? I know as I continue to search I will continue to learn this, but here is what I've learned so far and will incorporate into my daily life as I embark this journey:

How God frees us from bondage:

Vs 26: don't "slay" his chosen prophets.  In other words, prophets are here to help free us from our spiritual bondage, just as Ammon was physically able save them later.  Heed the prophets voice and you will be led to freedom.

Vs 33-
1. Turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart.  This desire to change can't just be a one or 2 time pleading for help.  This desire must consume me and drive me to seek help hourly, daily until I have overcome.

2. Serve him with all diligence of mind.  In all situations or when anxieties arise I will place my mind on Christ and only be concerned about doing His will.

3. Place your trust in him.  Be patient with myself and others.  don't doubt that freedom is possible and is coming.

Because God is full of grace and unconditional love, He makes us promises and blesses us.  "If ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure deliver you out of bondage."

I can't wait to get started together with the Lord this year and overcome my personal over-zealousness.

Goals and Priorities

Rather than wait to start my goals on January first, I have been getting myself organized and prepared to be successful by understanding my priorities and making a template for a weekly to do list that incorporates my goals.  It looks like this:

The top is my daily to do list (which essentials never change) and then the bottom has my priorities listed and how often so I can incorporate them to my week when appropriate.  I feel really good about this.  I will be able to see my goals and chart my progress this way.  I actually got the idea for this template from a world wide training meeting where Sister Julie Beck shared it.  She didn't have the priorities list on the bottom, but she was trying to illustrate that there are essential things that must be part of our everyday to do.  Of course, not just to have it to check off, but because when they are written we are more likely to remember them and make them a priority.  I will report weekly on my progress of this list.

DAILY ESSENTIALS

NECESSARY

PROJECTS/ERRANDS

Scriptures/Calling
Exercise
Eat Clean
Piano

Priorities

WEEKLY	MONTHLY	YEARLY
Journal	Date w/Tyler	Family Vacation
Prep pictures for photobook	VT (Schedule 1st week of month)	Two Family Service Projects
FHE	Temple	Christmas Cards
TED Talk	Non Fiction Book
Budget/Bills	Budget Review
Menu

Determined

Me at San Antonio Temple

I have had a lot of reflecting time these past 2 weeks.  I feel like the Lord is helping me see areas that I need to improve in my life so that I can have a more fulfilling existence here.  I love how he teaches me.  It is humbling to see my weaknesses, but instead of shame I feel a determination to do better and loving support from my father in Heaven.  

One of my weaknesses is that I have had poor follow through in my life.  I can list all of the excuses why, but the bottom line is that I have not fully developed myself in any one area in my life to where I feel proud of the accomplishment.  Of course having and raising children is certainly a huge accomplishment that I am whole-heartedly dedicated to, but I am speaking for myself.  For Robyn. My friend who likes to follow horoscopes pointed out to me that I am a Gemini, and it is characteristic of us to be "jack of all trades but master of none."  That's exactly how I feel.  I want to get deeper than that.  I want to master some skills.  I want to make goals and follow through with them.  I want to me known (not for fame) and described as one who was really good at _______.  I recognize that I have many strengths that I have been blessed with.  But I'm speaking of a specific skill as well.

This blog is what I'll be using to record my goals for the year and report as I go along.  This is my year to have a "house of order."  Not only my physical house and how I run it, but my own house- my body, me as a person.

Goals:

1. Spiritual - My study will be focused on enlarging my heart to love unconditionally and to really understand the gifts that the Lord has blessed me with and how He would have me use them- specifically for missionary work.  I was touched by this blog post on Giftedness and identified several ideas on how to study spiritually this year.

2. Financial-  Make and keep a budget.

3. Physical- Get back into the best shape of my life.  I will follow the Tone it Up program.

4. Blog/Pictures- Every Sunday for family blog, and often here.  I will also be organized with pictures and print photo albums this year.

5. Talent- I want to develop my talent on the piano and be able to accompany any hymn at church.

I know this is a tall order, but I know I am capable of these things with the help of the Lord and with accountability.  It's going to be a great year!

The Better Part

Late night study with his favorite snack- Chips and Salsa

Yesterday I had a tender moment with Logan.  We are on Christmas break, and there is a lot of action around the house.  Fun, fights and a lot of chaos.  Just what I always dreamed of having- well, except for the fights of course!

It was a long day yesterday.  My back was hurting, I was feeling discouraged about my lack of fitness and well, lack of a lot of things.  In the evening I made a dinner that was a total flop (I hate when that happens!).  It was not a total waste though, because Logan cooked it with me and had a great attitude.  I really enjoyed working with him.  He invited me to play a game of HORSE outside, but it was dark and cold, and I was super tired.  I said "yes" because time alone with my 13 year old is precious and rare.

We started playing and chatted about little things.  I complimented him for taking the time to develop his talents and becoming such a good baller.  I shared my regrets of never pursuing and developing a strong talent of any sort and encouraged him to continue.   After a few more air balls on my part, my wise, loving son said some profound, comforting words.

"You might not be great at basketball, but you have mastered being a good mother.  You can tell how good a mom is by her children, and I'd say between me, Mariah, Harrison and Jake, you have a lot to brag about.  So that right there tells people how good of a mom you are."

He also went on to tell me how my talent is to make friends and other kind things.

I was so uplifted and touched by his words!  Although I appreciated what he said about me, I was most touched by his depth and maturity for a 13 year old.  As my first born, he gets the butt end of a lot of my parenting mistakes- and sometimes I wonder if I'm ruining him... so hearing this reminded me how loving and forgiving children are.

I will always hold this memory near my heart, and am grateful that this time I did choose "the better part" and was richly blessed for doing so.

Starting Today

I'm not a professional writer, in fact, I am not really even a good one.  I have great intentions.  I tend to be inconsistent with goals.    I can be hard on myself.  I lose sleep at times thinking of how disorganized my pictures are and how I rarely have gotten any professional pictures of my family taken.  I feel guilty that I haven't kept up a blog or a journal to capture the many wonderful and special family time.

I am a mother.

An imperfect one with a lot of love and strong feelings for God and my family.

I have been on the earth for 36 years, and just as I was promised in my patriarchal blessing, they have been good years- full of blessings that come from living in these times.  I have had the privelege of experiencing tender, sweet spiritual experiences, and lately my heart feels pulled to record those as well as the deeper ponderings of my heart.


Today in Relief Society, we had a lesson about the relief society organization.  Emily Larcher, who taught, shared how her grandmother was raised as a kind of "cinderella" at home.  Her mother had favorites, and the others were expected to wait on them and were not treated with kindness.  When Emily asked her grandmother how she gained her confidence and learned so many wonderful skills, her grandmother explained that it was through the relief society women, and callings that developed her.  This really touched me, because I came to realize the same thing for myself.  I was no Cinderella, I had an angel mother- a wonderful one who loved me and taught me many things.  But I can see how being a part of relief society has done so much to shape, support and mold me into who I am today.

When asked for examples of ways RS has blessed our lives, I shared how with all the moving we have done, I have always had sisters.  Not just friends, but true sisters who have loved and supported me.  I shared how my nonmember friends comment about these bonds we share and how I have taken for granted how quickly and easily that sisterhood comes.  The opportunities to share that sisterhood in RS is unparalleled by any other organization on earth.

This lesson also reminded me of a teaching moment I had from the Lord regarding visiting teaching.  We were living in Iowa.  I had 3 young kids, and as most mothers, I found myself so lost in raising kids that I just didn't feel like I had much to offer.   At this time, I had great friends who were planning mission trips to Africa.  What they were doing was remarkable and was just the kind of thing I knew I would love to do as well.  I started to feel like my life did not have as much purpose or impact on others.  That week, a girl I visit taught, Tiffany Robinson, had to be at the hospital with her newborn, Chase, because he got RSV.  I picked up some food for her at the store to keep at the hospital and headed there to see her.  Before I walked in, I felt impressed to look in the window.  There I saw her holding her sick baby and rocking him.  At that moment the Lord whispered, "you don't need to go to Africa to do my work."  It was such a humbling experience as I realized that this little thing I was doing was the Lord's work.  I repented of my attitude and started to look for more opportunities to serve and be an instrument in God's hands to the people around me.

That lesson came as a result of visiting teaching and I have grown in understanding on what it means to rescue and save souls.  Sure, going to Africa is amazing and important, but so is serving those around us, and I have come to find great joy and satisfaction in doing so.