Winding Down with February

Goal Report:

I have been struggling with some of my goals.  The hardest one for me right now is regular exercise.  I don't feel like doing it, and I don't feel real well.  I feel that something is "off" with me and am seeing a doctor to try to get back on balance.  Maybe a thyroid or hormonal issue.

I did a terrible job of reading my scriptures and having meaningful prayer.  That could be the reason why I had a rough week- I did not handle life as peacefully and lovingly as I do when I am in tune.

Budget- gotta get back on track and keep up with it.


I am doing great with my pictures, which gives me peace of mind.  I am about to finish the book on Columbus and was excited that I answered 3 Jeapordy from what I learned these past 2 months from my non fiction reading.  I get smarterer and smarterer every day!


Highlights:

*I got to take a last minute trip to CA to visit my parents.  Just me and my mom and dad.  That is rare when you are grown and have your own family.  We laughed, had great meaningful talks, and laughed some more.  I love my parents.  They are fun to be around and such good listeners.  They are my biggest cheerleaders and care about every part of my life.  I'm so blessed to be born of goodly parents.  I can't wait to live by them.

We found the perfect beanie to go with a long standing family inside joke.

*Logan just completed Missionary Week with the youth of the Stake.  They had several challenges and Logan made a personal goal to complete 1500 "points" based on different tasks to complete.  He not only met it, but exceeded his goal.  He handed out 4 Book of Mormons, a pass along card and read his scriptures every day.  I was so impressed and pleased with his efforts.  I hope this experience helped his desire to serve a full time mission.  Only 4 years away!

Cutest 3 year old ever!

*Jake had his 3rd birthday party!  I planned a special outing with his cousins- the Carters, Bea and Abe, and Fred's boy Jake.  We went to Rollie Polly's and then to the park for a "Bear Hunt" picnic.  Jake's grandparents were there, as well as Shannon.  Tyler was able to join us for the picnic and was so helpful.  He is great with the kids and had them squealing and laughing.  Jake was such a gracious birthday host, thanking everyone for coming and having the sweetest manners.  He even takes the time to stop and read the cards before opening his presents.  What kid does that?!?

The many faces of Harrison as he makes a break away

*Mariah and Harrison are in their last week of basketball season.  Mariah had a great game on Saturday- I always enjoy watching her.  Harrison had an epic game.  Tyler has told all the kids the first to score 20 points in a game will get $20.  Harrison was determined to win the prize, and he did it with just 1 minute left in the game.  He was so excited!

Headed on a Frosty run

Journey with Joseph Smith

I was born in the covenant.  As a lifelong member of this church, I have always understood and accepted that Joseph Smith was the prophet of the Restoration.  I didn't necessarily have a spiritual experience where I sought to know for myself and received confirmation.  It was just something I accepted because it made sense to me, like accepting that water from the faucet comes from pipes buried in the ground.  Just didn't think about the hows and whys too much.

At this time in the world where technology is advanced, and social media has taken over the world, information (and misinformation) spreads like wild fire.  It's a good and bad thing.  Recently, Joseph Smith's journals have been released along with other journals of the early members of the church, which seems to be a blessing and a curse for members- especially lifelong members like me who have always accepted him as a prophet.  This new information is great because we are able to learn so much more about the people.  Along with good and helpful information, a lot of controversial material has popped up that has shaken the testimonies of many of our membership.

I have been unaffected by this until recently.  A friend of mine on Facebook, Sylwia Hardman (a friend from Iowa) posted that she has received personal revelation that polygamy was not of God and it was the evil practice of men.  Her comment received over 300 comments with people agreeing and disagreeing with her.  I got sucked into it and for the first time- started getting doubts in my mind as to the character and motives of Joseph Smith.  Sylwia is an amazing woman with the desire to bring equality to all of God's children.  Reading the journals that were released shook her testimony to the core.  She read of Joseph having not only a few wives, but multiple ones, some as young as 14 and even ones that were married but had husbands abroad.  It is no longer heresay, it is actually printed in these journals, and the church has validated that these are authentic records.


Disturbing, right?  Her discovery of these journals has led her to denounce Joseph Smith as a true prophet saying that he had revelation from time to time but that basically he went rogue and lost his mind "like so many other prophets" and even implied that his martyrdom was God's way to remove his from the earth because he moved so far from God's teachings.

It has always been hard for me to read criticisms about a church that I love with all of my heart.  I usually do not entertain this type of material at all.  But this time, I really wanted to see what people were saying.  I am seeing within the church and even in my ward people falling away because of all of the literature there is against the church.  Good people who have been stalwart members are struggling in their testimonies.  Many feel that they've been lied to by the church all these years and feel resentful.

After reading Sylwia's thread, I found myself thinking, questioning and feeling uncomfortable about some of the facts of Joseph's life that don't make sense to me in this day and age.  By choosing to read and follow her thread, I put myself in a place where I need to truly seek for myself and not just "accept" that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God.

Elder Andersen of the Apostles said, "Why does the Lord allow the evil speaking to chase after the good? One reason is that opposition against the things of God sends seekers of truth to their knees for answers."

This is exactly the affect it had on me.  It is time to seek the truth- not from reputable sources, or even eyewitness journals from Joseph's day.  I turned to the One with all intelligence and with perfect love for me whom I trust to tell me truth.  I turned to God.

I am still on this journey.  My prayer to know if Joseph died as God's true prophet was uttered this week.  I have a lot to learn, but here is what God has revealed to me so far:

1. Joseph Smith lived and died a man of virtuous character.  Yes, there are journal accounts from those days by others who may have claimed him to be otherwise.  But there is also much recorded by those who knew him intimately and they have always testified that he was a man of God.  I know that if all who encountered me wrote in their journals regarding the decisions I've made, or judged my character that there would be negatives written about me- especially by people who didn't really know me well or understood me.  And I'm just Robyn, not a public figure.  One who was closest to him and worked by his side and knew him in his personal life was John Taylor (who was with Joseph when he died).   “I testify before God, angels, and men, that [Joseph] was a good, honorable, [and] virtuous man— … [and] that his private and public character was unimpeachable—and that he lived and died as a man of God.”  That is enough for me.  I too know that he lived and died a man of God.  I have received assurances that this is true.

2. What about polygamy?  I don't understand it fully.  I especially don't understand the fact that Joseph did have many wives and that it was difficult for Emma.  I don't think it was created by man like so many members struggling are claiming.  But I do feel uncomfortable with a lot of the facts- 14 year old wife? Married women?  I am still on the journey to know for myself.  But rather than doubting my faith in Joseph, I am doubting my doubts and seeking truth from God.  I understand that I will not fully understand the whys until I gain full knowledge in the next life, but I can receive reassurances while I'm here that it's ok not to understand it all and that not understanding does not mean that it was wrong.  

3. The Lord told Joseph through his messenger, Moroni, that Joseph's name would “be had for good and evil among all nations, kindreds, and tongues."  The Lord also tells us in scripture that "by their fruits ye shall know them."  I am not done in my journey with Joseph, but there are some things that I do know for sure:

The fruits that came from his life work are good.  They are the very things that have brought me such joy and fulfillment in my life and fruits that I recognize to be true and from God:.  The Book of Mormon,  The true church on the earth today, temple and saving ordinances, the priesthood, understanding of Christ's atonement.   I know without a doubt through my own life experiences and my own seeking for truth that these things are true- and they are all a product of Joseph's work.  How can all of these things be good and true and a blessing to my life, and come from an evil man?  It cannot be.

This week as I have prayed and searched the strongest feeling I had was this: Joseph's name will be had for good when Robyn Mons speaks of him.  I will not be one who contributes in evil speaking of someone who's life work brought fruit that has made my life joyful, peaceful, easier, happier and complete.  This does not mean that I am ignorant, or am in denial of his weaknesses as a person, or that I am in denial that reputable sources wrote things that put him in a bad light. I have turned to God who knows all and he has given me this assurance.  And that is enough for me.

Survival

Sick kids on the couch.  Lots of Netflix, saltines and Gatorade.

After 2 straight months of enjoying Tyler home without travel, he has hit the road.  It has been shocking to all of our systems.

He was gone all last week.  3 out of the 4 kids got sick.  Fever, vomit, you name it.  Caring for sick kids while keeping a house show ready and dragging them from their sick beds to the car for showings is just about as tiring and maddening as it sounds.  It was a rough week.  He came home for the weekend and leaves again Monday.

How's that to start a journal entry?  Now that I type this, I think I already wrote about it last week.  I guess that's how tough it was... but I will no longer dwell on it..

Recent News and Highlights:

1. Logan's school season for basketball comes to an end tomorrow.  Final game will be against Hudson Bend, our big rival.  Logan has mixed feelings about this.  With the upcoming move, it is that realization that this is it for balling in Texas.  He's made great friends and overall it has been a wonderful experience.

2. Mariah is always posting uplifting, spiritual meme's on her instagram account.  She is such a sweet missionary and just has a wonderful, uplifting spirit about her.  I'm proud of her.

Mariah is always anxious to support a good cause.  She is supporting a friend with a brain tumor and prays for her every day.  She is also passionate about supporting the girl scouts.

3.  Harrison entered a writing contest.  He's been really into drawing and writing little stories.  He has a brilliant mind, full of imagination and ideas.

4.  Jake is getting excited for his 3rd birthday.  He continues to speak way beyond his years and is a delight.  He recently attended his cousin, Bea's, 3rd birthday.  She had a purple party.  Of course it was done with class and very enjoyable.

5.  I've been touched to see Logan reach out to a friend, Dallin Potts.  He is a friend from church that Logan befriended when Dallin moved in.  They've had ups and downs in their friendship, and as of recent, Logan had distanced himself after feeling hurt and betrayed that Dallin didn't stand up for him at a friend's house.  At the same time, Dallin's family has been slipping from activity in the church.  We miss them!  Logan told me a few weeks ago that he keeps having dreams about Dallin and feels that Heavenly Father is prompting Logan to reach out to Dallin.  On his own, Logan has obeyed those promptings, even though he had hurt feelings and has been texting and inviting Dallin to various activities, communicating through Instagram, and being friendly at school.  It is these kinds of behavior and  character development that mean the most to me as a mother.  This means more to me than any academic, athletic or any other achievement.  I am learning that life is all about love.  And if we go through life- no matter how successful in wonderful ways, but never learn true charity, then it really amounts to nothing.  I am so touched that Logan is learning these things at this age.

6.  I am grateful to a loyal, faithful, family devoted husband.  He was in Las Vegas, otherwise known as sin city all last week for training meetings.  I did not worry once that he would do anything to compromise our relationship or his covenants with Heavenly Father and our family.  What a treasure, what a comfort to me.  This should be the way every priesthood holder, or any father should be to his family, but unfortunately in these days, it almost feels a rarity.  I thank the Lord every day for my good husband.

It's the little things that mean so much!

Up and Downs

So, January ended.  The first month of tracking my goals for the year.  That's a record for me.  Usually by now I have no recollection of what my goals were, and whatever paper I had them written down on is long gone.

I am doing great at scheduling things and staying organized. I feel less frazzled and less anxious that I'm missing something important.  I finished my first non-fiction book about Abraham Lincoln.  It was by Timothy Ballard and he tied Abraham's mission to abolish slavery and renewing our nation's covenant to Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon.  It was fascinating and really strengthened my testimony that America truly is the promised land and that God's hand is in all parts of history.  I am grateful to have the privilege of living here and want to do my part to protect this sacred, free land.

My big downers have been with food and exercise.  I have these cycles- I eat well for 2-3 weeks, and I feel the energy and strength to exercise.  Then I hit a wall- I fatigue, I get incredibly hungry and nothing seems to satisfy me.  I don't binge eat or shovel total junk in my mouth, but I make more poor choices and tend to crave the carbs.  I don't understand it.  I'm just starting to come out of that cycle now, but it's so maddening!

I want to end on the upside though:

Budget- although we were over budget this month... we did a budget and tracked it!
Scripture/prayer- I haven't been perfect at this, but I feel pretty good about it.
Piano- not 100% on my goal to play daily, but I'm playing a lot more than I ever have.
TED talks- I'm 100% on watching one a week.  I've learned a lot and enjoy them greatly.  The best part is that Logan has gotten into them and likes to watch them with me.
VT- I had 100% visiting teaching for January with all 3 of the sisters in their homes.  I love this inspired program.

This week Tyler is on a business trip.  Since it was in Vegas (yuck!), he included SLC in his itinerary to check out the areas we are thinking about settling next.  We have missed him!  This week I had 3 kids home very sick with the flu and 3 showings.  I was so overwhelmed, tired and well, just that motherly tired and worried.  Two of my best friends (Melissa Clark and Robin Yeamans) left grocery bags with all sorts of helpful items- medicine, food, comfort food, toothbrushes, Gatorades.  I was so touched, and that kind service kept me going.  More than anything, it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father letting me know he's aware of me and that he has sent angels to be my friends and help me.

On a separate note, a sister I visit teach, Shelly Wold, lost her 5 month old baby this last week to suffocation.  It is terribly sad.  They are a less active family that we haven't seen for months, but the Lord softened their hearts tremendously and they have opened their hearts and home to us to love, hug and comfort them at this time.  I had a very special visit alone with just her and her husband just days after it happened.  I went to deliver dinner.  As I drove there, I could not think of anything to say to them.  I was nervous, but knew I was on the Lord's errand.  When I arrived Shelly was crying and asking a lot of questions.  The pain in her face and in her voice was so intense.  I was so sad for them.  As she spoke, the Lord put scriptures and other stories in my mind and I knelt down near them and just opened my mouth.  I was the Lord's mouth for a while.  I knew the words coming out of me were not me speaking.  He wanted her to know the things that came to my mind.  I have never had that happen so strongly before.  With each thing I said, the crying was calmed.  Hope entered the room and their hearts.  Joy replaced pain for a moment and they were getting the message they needed to hear.  Before I left she told me that all of the questions she had been praying to God to know were answered during that visit.  I was so humbled.  I know it wasn't me.  It was God working through me and I felt honored to work with Him that night.  That experience has bonded Shelly and I so closely together.  I love her with all of my heart.